Thursday, March 15, 2007

This way lies madness.

I've been eating a lot lately - a lot of crap, that is. Any kind of junk, all kinds of junk, and the more I eat crap, the more crap I want to eat.

I noticed it (again) after supper tonight, when I'd eaten my meal and my dessert and I still wanted Something. Something else. Something more.

"What is this?" I asked myself. "I'm not hungry."
"Ah," came that damnable inner voice, "But are you Full?"
"Damn you, inner voice," I replied, "and pass the cupcakes."

It's true. I'm not Full.

I have two beautiful kids, a wonderful husband, gainful employment, a comfortable home, and the best family and friends ever. For these things I am grateful, but still I want Something Else. Something More.

So I ate my extra cupcake (hey, they don't stay fresh forever, ya know)and I thought about it.

By and large, I don't get to decide how I spend my time. It's fine, it's exactly the gig I signed up for when I gave birth, but still. A little more time to sit on my butt reading a book or watching a movie would be nice. And I haven't gone out with friends in a loong time. I haven't been to a bookstore in ages. I haven't been exercising, or even getting much fresh air (it's winter, after all.) There's not a single thing planned that I'm looking forward to. Romance? Pah!

So I'm eating stuff that tastes good, as a consolation. Self-defeating, yes, and not awfully satisfying. I'm lucky I haven't been gaining any weight, praise be to the Creator, who in her/his wisdom invented breastfeeding. I cannot allow this to go on. It's a bad habit, for one thing, and unhealthy, and I'll get fat. Er. (G) I could take the same few dollars and buy a book, or some bubblebath. Some other treat for me.

So. I'm going to arrange a trip to Chapters, sans-offspring. It's my birthday soon, and I still have gift certificates from Christmas. There's my thing to look forward to. And just maybe I'll have a few drinks on Saturday night with that handsome fellow I married. In between, I'll keep trying to get writing time when I can. Baby steps, baby steps.

Now, where are the Bits-n-Bites??

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