Wednesday, March 28, 2007

Run ragged but feelin' good

So, life trips along.

Interviewing is almost over, I've narrowed it down to a smallish handful and we're talking to people a second time this week in preparation for the Big Choice. Hmmmm. Who do I want to share a tiny office with for the next However Long? Who can take care of my business, my other baby, that which makes all other things (financially) possible? Who will my customers like the best? So many things to think about.

Many miles to go today, groceries, an interview, laundry, supper, homework, baths and hopefully a nod to personal hygeine in there somewhere. It's been like this.

But last night, at 9:45 I figured I had twenty minutes left in me, and I wrote. I nearly had to use a crowbar to get my butt (which is shrinking nicely, in case you're interested (G)) into this chair. But I did it! And I wrote 250 words. Yay, me! So it is possible, I *can* push a little harder.

For now though, maybe some makeup and a cuppa before I have to run.

Hope you're all well.

Sunday, March 25, 2007

I'm always learning

A chunk of banana the size of a baby's palm will almost - but not quite - stick to the side of a cat.

Cat fur does not impede the digestive system of an infant, nor does cat food.

A person can go in-freaking-sane trying to keep an infant from ingesting cat fur and cat food when said infant REALLY WANTS TO.

Beer helps.

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Hoy. Is 11:30 am too early to start drinking???

The twins, my nieces are here today. I love them, I truly do, They're sweet. Their mother is Expecting shortly, and so as it is with many girls this age, they love All Things Baby. Which means they tell me everything she does:

"Aunt Cindy, she laughed!"
"Aunt Cindy, she burped!"
"Aunt Cindy, she likes when I do this!"
"Aunt Cindy, there's food on her shirt!"

They're also budding experts, so they like to let me know when it's time to check her diaper, feed her, give her a drink, put her down or pick her up. Did I mention they're twins? So there are two of them, which means there is a voice in my ear every moment of the day.

And this is the easy part of the day. When BamBam comes home, they'll all fight over toys.

Monday, March 19, 2007

Some much-needed encouragement

My husband noticed that I haven't been writing much lately. I was a little surprised that he brought it up, my writing is a part of our life that is relegated to the place where we put things that are seldom acknowledged. Tricky things, you know. Potential minefields of conflict.

He told me once that he doesn't bring it up because he doesn't want to put pressure on me. You see, we're facing a period of uncertainty just now, and to be honest, a book deal would be Just the Thing. But you know, that's not something to keep in your pocket when you're trying to be creative. (S)

So anyway, he noticed, and he asked me about it. "It's what you want to do," he reminded me, "you just need to keep doing it."

"I know," I said, "it's just that I'm failing at it and I'm frustrated."

"You're not failing," he replied, as he scrubbed around the kitchen tap, "you're doing it. You're a writer already. You just need to finish something, so you can either get it published or go on to the next one. Keep trying. I'm going to read your friend's book (Vicki's) and I'm going to read something of yours."

Dontcha love him?

So last night I sat down and I wrote. About 500 words. And I've decided that I'm going to keep up with Susan.

Things I'm grateful for today:
My husband
I don't have to work today
Baby's asleep, and the words are coming.

For supper:
Mediterranean Chicken and Sausage stew

Saturday, March 17, 2007

This way lies madness, Part II

Night before last, that Baby of mine woke up at 11:00 pm, and stayed up until 4:00 in the ever-loving morning.

We went downstairs and watched part of V FOR VENDETTA, (not bad) and played with toys. At 2:00 am DH offered to take her for a bit, so I napped until 2:30, when he brought her to me, sleeping. Of course she immediately woke up.
"All done, all done," she signed, with a whimper.
"Baby go to sleep," I said.
"All done."

I didn't actually break down until 3:30 or so; one of the few times that I have cried with this baby. I was a little bit off when I had my first, there were so many more tears back then. How different things are now.

As we finally drifted off at 4:00, I was thinking about how far I've come as a mother. These long, slow, empty nights when I feel like I'm the only person in the whole world don't have so much power over me as they once did. I know now that I'll be okay, that the sun will come up and I can still have a good day even if I'm really, really tired.

And I did. I had one interview and one no-show, (have you ever not shown up for a job interview???) I laughed and I played with my kids and my husband made me supper and I was okay. At about 10:00 I started to feel the pull of fatigue, the heavy melancholy, the vulnerability. So I cast aside A BLADE OF GRASS, it's a very good book, but I'm really starting to worry about the two MCs. No anxiety, not tonight. Instead, I found my copy of Outlander, and I went to bed.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

This way lies madness.

I've been eating a lot lately - a lot of crap, that is. Any kind of junk, all kinds of junk, and the more I eat crap, the more crap I want to eat.

I noticed it (again) after supper tonight, when I'd eaten my meal and my dessert and I still wanted Something. Something else. Something more.

"What is this?" I asked myself. "I'm not hungry."
"Ah," came that damnable inner voice, "But are you Full?"
"Damn you, inner voice," I replied, "and pass the cupcakes."

It's true. I'm not Full.

I have two beautiful kids, a wonderful husband, gainful employment, a comfortable home, and the best family and friends ever. For these things I am grateful, but still I want Something Else. Something More.

So I ate my extra cupcake (hey, they don't stay fresh forever, ya know)and I thought about it.

By and large, I don't get to decide how I spend my time. It's fine, it's exactly the gig I signed up for when I gave birth, but still. A little more time to sit on my butt reading a book or watching a movie would be nice. And I haven't gone out with friends in a loong time. I haven't been to a bookstore in ages. I haven't been exercising, or even getting much fresh air (it's winter, after all.) There's not a single thing planned that I'm looking forward to. Romance? Pah!

So I'm eating stuff that tastes good, as a consolation. Self-defeating, yes, and not awfully satisfying. I'm lucky I haven't been gaining any weight, praise be to the Creator, who in her/his wisdom invented breastfeeding. I cannot allow this to go on. It's a bad habit, for one thing, and unhealthy, and I'll get fat. Er. (G) I could take the same few dollars and buy a book, or some bubblebath. Some other treat for me.

So. I'm going to arrange a trip to Chapters, sans-offspring. It's my birthday soon, and I still have gift certificates from Christmas. There's my thing to look forward to. And just maybe I'll have a few drinks on Saturday night with that handsome fellow I married. In between, I'll keep trying to get writing time when I can. Baby steps, baby steps.

Now, where are the Bits-n-Bites??

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Baby Girl woke up at 4:45 a-freaking-m this morning, I kid you not. Bonus, though, she's asleep early. I'm intentionally not following this scenario through to tomorrow morning in my tired litle mind, I'll just enjoy the extra hour and plunk out some words.

yay, me!

Only two interviewees tomorrow, one of whom indicates on her resume that she knows a few things about computers. Handy, that, as I do have a COMPUTER STORE. I was surprised how many applicants actually just learned to turn on them blasted new-fangled thingies. S'okay, I have a paper shredder. (sigh)

Visited with Beloved Neighbour and her kids today, which did me some good. We were on mat leave together and I miss seeing her a few times a week. So cool to see how our four kids are growing, all so different from one another.

Monday, March 12, 2007

Taking a little breather

I've been taking a break - haha, I know - taking a break from NOT writing. No, this time I'm taking a break from thinking about writing and feeling guilty and icky for not writing.

I've had to do this before. The way my life works, much like your own, no doubt, there's lots of time when my hands are busy and my mind isn't. I tend to let it circle around writing and my feelings about writing while I'm folding laundry, cooking, whatever. End result - by the time I sit down I'm half worried and already feeling frustrated. So last week I decided to back off a little, and I'm already feeling fresher and more anxious to get to my keyboard.

March break is here and Little Boy is home.
Baby girl discovered how to climb stairs yesterday.
The big 34 is coming up next week, yoy. (sigh)
Have eight people coming for job interviews tomorrow.
Still on the hunt for more meatless recipes.

What I'm grateful for today:
It's sunny, and I'm already partway done the laundry.
I'm grateful for this computer, and the time I have to use it.
Will be seeing Adored Neighbour and her kids on Wednesday. We live so close, see each other so little.
I am learning to be more patient with Little Boy. Feeling good about that.

Saturday, March 10, 2007

Scent of Shadows

Have you got $10? Oh, good. Take it to the bookstore, and Buy. This. Book.

Vicki Pettersson's breakout novel, The Scent of Shadows, is the fast-paced, no-holds-barred story of Joanna archer - onetime social outcast turned kickass superhero.

The term that kept coming to my mind as I read this book was "fully-realized." Ms. Pettersson takes no shortcuts and makes no excuses, she invokes all the senses to ensnare the reader and make the reading a complete experience. Whether it was the clinking of ice cubes in a glass, or the sensation of heels on pavement, I was present and engaged for every moment of Joanna's journey. Skilfully handled backstory - leaked most reluctantly throughout the action, strengthens the bond between Joanna and the reader as we hurt for her, suffer her shocks and sneer at her enemies. And she never lets us down - her reactions are unfailingly human (or superhuman), seldom predictable, and true to her, flawed as she is. Deliciously, completely, forgiveably flawed.

I finished reading a week ago now, and I miss Joanna. A trail of breadcrumbs already scattered awaits. Can't wait to find out what Ms. Pettersson has in store for us next.

Friday, March 02, 2007


I have one of those bad feelings today. Jittery, and a little nauseous. Probably it's nothing, here's hoping.

One time I got like this on the way to a party, I had to pull the car over and calm down. Later, at the party, some guy pulled out a knife and stabbed two people. There have been other times too, but that's by far the most ...dramatic. (S)

Do you ever have these feelings?

We're getting Sara's snow later today, it's supposed to make quite a mess.

So, our Miss Vicki goes off to San Fransisco today, I'm sure we're all thinking about her. I'm almost finished reading SOS, and it'll blow your mind. Go ye forth to the bookstore! Right now!