Half my life ago I, together with my classmates, left our small junior high school and moved on up to the (slightly) bigger high school. It was a Huge Thing, as I’m sure it is with everyone. New teachers, new faces, new environment. You remember. One can get lost in a situation like that, but I got found.
It was math class. My new teacher caught me scribbling something on looseleaf in the back of my binder. He asked me my name, and I told him.
“Oh,” he said, “you’re the prolific writer.”
I was fifteen, and to tell you the truth I had to look up “prolific” later on. In any case, I was pretty sure it didn’t mean “terrible.” So what I heard was “You’re the writer.”
He smiled at me, and in that moment I felt a little ‘click,’ like something had just fallen into place. And he probably had no idea that his words, and his smile, would be forever added to my secret definition of me. I’m the writer.
Apparently, it was a matter of Permanent Record, or he wouldn’t have known. I was pretty sure I knew who had put that in my file. It was my English teacher, the one who believed in me. She was the one who seemed excited when she read my stuff. She was the one who was never surprised or disappointed on the days when I came up empty. She helped me to know this about me too, I’m the writer.
Then came university and my twenties. I learned a lot about the world in those years, but not much about myself. I found my husband, started a business, married, had my son. It was busy, and my writing just…went away. It was still a part of me, of my definition of myself, but I neither thought about it much or actually did any writing. I just figured it would be there when I was ready.
So, after my first baby I started to feel like it was Time. I sat down at my keyboard and I started to write - after all, I’m the writer. I got a horrible shock.
Writing is hard. Writing is frustrating, and I’m not anywhere near as good at it as I thought I’d be. Where’s my gift? Where’s my talent?
Oh.
I let it go.
I didn’t feed it, and it wandered away. I didn’t exercise it, and it grew weak. I didn’t give it water, and it dried up.
But still, I am the writer. And now, even knowing what that means – knowing it’s not just something about me, not just a talent, an attribute – I choose it. Being a writer requires action, effort. Work.
It’s been almost six years since I made the choice to BE a writer. I don’t see it as something I was born with any more, and I’ve been trying to coax that talent back like a neglected kitten hiding under the sofa. I don’t know if I’ll ever realize the potential that my teacher saw, but still I take heart in remembering her, and her faith in me. And now that I’ve grown enough to know that it isn’t free, I’m willing to work at it. I’m willing to fail and learn and try again.
Because I’m the writer.
Saturday, September 30, 2006
Tuesday, September 26, 2006
Great Big Books
If you're like me, then depending on the day, a massive novel looks like either chocolate fudge and a bubblebath or a three year calculus course. I started one yesterday, it's called Aztec, by Gary Jennings.
"Ah, well," I thought, "If I like the main character I'll stick it out." And so far, I do like the guy. The story is engaging, the historical detail is captivating, and there's humour. And pain. So I think I'll hang in there for now, even if the mc's superb command of the english language does seem a trifle unlikely.
It makes me wonder, though, how other people feel when they pick up a huge book. Do you feel anticipation, or dread? It would depend on whether you already know and trust the author, to some degree. So, when you're faced with a REALLY big book, what else affects your decision to invest, or not?
"Ah, well," I thought, "If I like the main character I'll stick it out." And so far, I do like the guy. The story is engaging, the historical detail is captivating, and there's humour. And pain. So I think I'll hang in there for now, even if the mc's superb command of the english language does seem a trifle unlikely.
It makes me wonder, though, how other people feel when they pick up a huge book. Do you feel anticipation, or dread? It would depend on whether you already know and trust the author, to some degree. So, when you're faced with a REALLY big book, what else affects your decision to invest, or not?
Monday, September 25, 2006
Justine Larbalestier's method
Just for fun, I followed a link from the Compuserve forum and read a bit by Justine Larbalestier here:
http://justinelarbalestier.com/blog/?p=398
and because I wondered how it would turn out, I did the spreadsheet-thingy. Interesting. It does help me put things in the right places in my mind, and hopefully keep them there, because they do tend to wander around.
Otherwise, it's still a challenge getting to the keyboard, what with everybody in the house getting sick (except me, I hardly ever get sick - knock on wood!) But this too shall pass. I'm seeing my beginning in much more detail, and I'm anxious to get back to it. I've decided to develop my MC's character with a few more scenes before I take her out of the secluded mountain valley where she grew up.
I have lots of things tumbling around in my mind about writing, but no time to post them here just now. Maybe later!
http://justinelarbalestier.com/blog/?p=398
and because I wondered how it would turn out, I did the spreadsheet-thingy. Interesting. It does help me put things in the right places in my mind, and hopefully keep them there, because they do tend to wander around.
Otherwise, it's still a challenge getting to the keyboard, what with everybody in the house getting sick (except me, I hardly ever get sick - knock on wood!) But this too shall pass. I'm seeing my beginning in much more detail, and I'm anxious to get back to it. I've decided to develop my MC's character with a few more scenes before I take her out of the secluded mountain valley where she grew up.
I have lots of things tumbling around in my mind about writing, but no time to post them here just now. Maybe later!
Justine Larbalestier's method
Just for fun, I followed a link from the Compuserve forum and read a bit by Justine Larbalestier here:
http://justinelarbalestier.com/blog/?p=398
and because I wondered how it would turn out, I did the spreadsheet-thingy. Interesting. It does help me put things in the right places in my mind, and hopefully keep them there, because they do tend to wander around.
Otherwise, it's still a challenge getting to the keyboard, what with everybody in the house getting sick (except me, I hardly ever get sick - knock on wood!) But this too shall pass. I'm seeing my beginning in much more detail, and I'm anxious to get back to it. I've decided to develop my MC's character with a few more scenes before I take her out of the secluded mountain valley where she grew up.
I have lots of things tumbling around in my mind about writing, but no time to post them here just now. Maybe later!
http://justinelarbalestier.com/blog/?p=398
and because I wondered how it would turn out, I did the spreadsheet-thingy. Interesting. It does help me put things in the right places in my mind, and hopefully keep them there, because they do tend to wander around.
Otherwise, it's still a challenge getting to the keyboard, what with everybody in the house getting sick (except me, I hardly ever get sick - knock on wood!) But this too shall pass. I'm seeing my beginning in much more detail, and I'm anxious to get back to it. I've decided to develop my MC's character with a few more scenes before I take her out of the secluded mountain valley where she grew up.
I have lots of things tumbling around in my mind about writing, but no time to post them here just now. Maybe later!
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
One Step forward
All right, that's done. I had to be a bit more ruthless than I imagined, hacking a total of about 14K *cough cough* but it had to be done.
Here's what I know: (Too much Glen Beck)
1. My characters sigh too much.
2. I have this bizarre problem with attaching the wrong action tags to people.
3. I did not write what I thought I wrote, I hold things back because I hate it when people repeat themselves repeat themselves.
4. My beginning needs work.
5. My middle needs alotta work.
6. I'll need to come up with some sort of ending.
I am waaaay back from where I thought I was, but then, I used to be writing a different novel. This is a fresh start (she reminds herself.)
Next: Go through this thang again. Make notes about what needs to go where.
Write. New. Words.
Eat, sleep, tend to family, and repeat.
Here's what I know: (Too much Glen Beck)
1. My characters sigh too much.
2. I have this bizarre problem with attaching the wrong action tags to people.
3. I did not write what I thought I wrote, I hold things back because I hate it when people repeat themselves repeat themselves.
4. My beginning needs work.
5. My middle needs alotta work.
6. I'll need to come up with some sort of ending.
I am waaaay back from where I thought I was, but then, I used to be writing a different novel. This is a fresh start (she reminds herself.)
Next: Go through this thang again. Make notes about what needs to go where.
Write. New. Words.
Eat, sleep, tend to family, and repeat.
Monday, September 18, 2006
My new life
It's been quite a week. We're adjusting to the reality of elementary school and what that means for our family. I'm officially a working Mom again - ok, it's only one morning a week, but it's regular. And it's the only the beginning. Baby Girl rolls over now, and she's so proud.
Little Boy was having anxiety about getting on the bus in the morning. It's almost the last stop on the route, so there aren't very many seats left, and I could see how that would be uncomfortable - remember getting on the bus? Everybody's watching you, waiting for you to sit down. But then on Friday, we discovered another reason for Boy to be intimidated. The bus driver was driving away while the kids were still walking toward the back of the bus!
So I called the company, and the woman said that's a major safety rule and they'd talk to the driver. I know at least two other moms called, as well. This morning, the guy DID IT AGAIN! So I called again, and I think maybe that's It For Him. I'm sorry if the guy loses his job, but if he's not prepared to put my son's safety first, I'll make sure his boss does.
I'm learning to get by on less sleep, which is a little tricky for me because I have anxiety about that. I'm not the same when I'm tired, it makes me feel rattled and crabby.
As for writing, there's been very little, but I'm using all the time I have - and that's all I can do, isn't it?
Little Boy was having anxiety about getting on the bus in the morning. It's almost the last stop on the route, so there aren't very many seats left, and I could see how that would be uncomfortable - remember getting on the bus? Everybody's watching you, waiting for you to sit down. But then on Friday, we discovered another reason for Boy to be intimidated. The bus driver was driving away while the kids were still walking toward the back of the bus!
So I called the company, and the woman said that's a major safety rule and they'd talk to the driver. I know at least two other moms called, as well. This morning, the guy DID IT AGAIN! So I called again, and I think maybe that's It For Him. I'm sorry if the guy loses his job, but if he's not prepared to put my son's safety first, I'll make sure his boss does.
I'm learning to get by on less sleep, which is a little tricky for me because I have anxiety about that. I'm not the same when I'm tired, it makes me feel rattled and crabby.
As for writing, there's been very little, but I'm using all the time I have - and that's all I can do, isn't it?
Monday, September 11, 2006
Writing the final draft, the first time around
Last night I was sitting here at my computer, lucky enough to have an hour or more to myself before bed. I wrote one email, and then I opened my WIP and stared at the screen.
At the end of the hour I had written 200 words, and I felt annoyed as I tripped the power button and went to feed the hamster. What's with me? I asked. Why can't I get the words right? I know the purpose of the scene. I know what I want to say, why can't I say it?
It often happens that if I go to bed with a question, I wake up with an answer, and today I have one. I'm futzing too much with the words, trying to get the ideas in a line, using the right images, shining up the details - instead of writing. Today I'm going BLAH all over the screen, and it's working much better. You can't edit what you haven't written.
And the thing is, I'm sure I knew this already. I know I've had this thought before. Must just be the sleep thang. Anyway, onward!
At the end of the hour I had written 200 words, and I felt annoyed as I tripped the power button and went to feed the hamster. What's with me? I asked. Why can't I get the words right? I know the purpose of the scene. I know what I want to say, why can't I say it?
It often happens that if I go to bed with a question, I wake up with an answer, and today I have one. I'm futzing too much with the words, trying to get the ideas in a line, using the right images, shining up the details - instead of writing. Today I'm going BLAH all over the screen, and it's working much better. You can't edit what you haven't written.
And the thing is, I'm sure I knew this already. I know I've had this thought before. Must just be the sleep thang. Anyway, onward!
Wednesday, September 06, 2006
Sleep wanted
Baby Girl's having her second good nap of the day, and I'm grateful for that. OTOH, I deserve these naps, because that little monkey got up at 4:17 am this morning. Can't really blame her, really, her big brother woke her up when he fell out of bed. Our bed.
And it's raining.
So. Twice now I've tried to drink tea out of the baby monitor, but we made a fish tank out of a Q-tip box and a shiny gift bag. The guy came to fix the sofa, and the Boy has a caterpillar building a cocoon (is that spelled right?) in the bug house that he got for his birthday. (DH caught Boy taking said caterpillar to bed, in his hand, but that's a tale for another time.)
Anyhoo. What with one thing and another, the WIP is stalling. One thing I'm having a lot of fun with is designing my own castle. (Which I get to do now, since I'm not using the real one I had in mind any more http://www.huntlycastle.co.uk/Castle.htm) Actually, it sort of popped into my head already finished, and I've been having a bit of trouble with the description (how much is too much, you know that thing...) but it's fun. I also think I have a new climax for the story, something a bit more graphic and emotional, which I think is better. (But I'm not making any big decisions until I've had more than two consecutive hours of sleep.)
Anybody tired of parenthesis? (I am.) (G)
The bottom line is I'm anxious to get back to writing, but I don't seem to have the Stuff right now, so I'm writing about writing instead.
Now I'm going to go and read about sleeping.
And it's raining.
So. Twice now I've tried to drink tea out of the baby monitor, but we made a fish tank out of a Q-tip box and a shiny gift bag. The guy came to fix the sofa, and the Boy has a caterpillar building a cocoon (is that spelled right?) in the bug house that he got for his birthday. (DH caught Boy taking said caterpillar to bed, in his hand, but that's a tale for another time.)
Anyhoo. What with one thing and another, the WIP is stalling. One thing I'm having a lot of fun with is designing my own castle. (Which I get to do now, since I'm not using the real one I had in mind any more http://www.huntlycastle.co.uk/Castle.htm) Actually, it sort of popped into my head already finished, and I've been having a bit of trouble with the description (how much is too much, you know that thing...) but it's fun. I also think I have a new climax for the story, something a bit more graphic and emotional, which I think is better. (But I'm not making any big decisions until I've had more than two consecutive hours of sleep.)
Anybody tired of parenthesis? (I am.) (G)
The bottom line is I'm anxious to get back to writing, but I don't seem to have the Stuff right now, so I'm writing about writing instead.
Now I'm going to go and read about sleeping.
Saturday, September 02, 2006
The Path
Renee asked me if I'm a scene writer. And since it's got me thinking, and I don't quite have the time for a proper post, here's what I said: (and I just noticed that it doesn't really answer her question!)
I started out as a chunk writer, but the chunks I wrote were mainly from the first half of the book, not all over the place. Then I put those together, then I got soooooo stuck I didn't write much for quite a while. It wasn't until I realized what the problem was and eliminated it that the characters started talking to me again. Now I'm cruising through from start to finish, rewriting what needs it as I go, and then I'll continue in a linear fashion. Unless that stops working! (G)It's like that lady said (can't remember her name): "There are three rules to writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are."Everybody, everybody has to find their own way, and millions have failed because they gave up. I'm a book learner, I can sit in a class and remember what I've been told. I can memorize things out of books. So this gritty, teeth-gnashing process is a new experience for me, and my instinct may always be to want to ask someone else how. But I feel better - stronger and smarter - for doing what needs to be done, even if it's my own messed up way. I feel more confident, whether I succeed or not. I'm doing it...look mom, no hands!
I started out as a chunk writer, but the chunks I wrote were mainly from the first half of the book, not all over the place. Then I put those together, then I got soooooo stuck I didn't write much for quite a while. It wasn't until I realized what the problem was and eliminated it that the characters started talking to me again. Now I'm cruising through from start to finish, rewriting what needs it as I go, and then I'll continue in a linear fashion. Unless that stops working! (G)It's like that lady said (can't remember her name): "There are three rules to writing a novel. Unfortunately, nobody knows what they are."Everybody, everybody has to find their own way, and millions have failed because they gave up. I'm a book learner, I can sit in a class and remember what I've been told. I can memorize things out of books. So this gritty, teeth-gnashing process is a new experience for me, and my instinct may always be to want to ask someone else how. But I feel better - stronger and smarter - for doing what needs to be done, even if it's my own messed up way. I feel more confident, whether I succeed or not. I'm doing it...look mom, no hands!
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